I sit here now in the Board, my home of these recent years. I will not be sitting here long, but enough to write this. I am comfortable here, and I have enjoyed my time here, but I now contemplate giving it up. While Michael may not allow it, I will ask. It is time for me to leave this place, and not to run away, not to abandon it, but answer a greater duty, and fulfill a promise that I made. I pray to God that I will be able to.
Jael is in Trauma. I do not expect her out today, or tomorrow. I know she will leave it eventually. Even though things went fairly well today, I have felt horribly unfocused, until now. Now, I see what I must do.
What will her Trauma have been like? What is Trauma like? I have had it described as an extremely unpleasant experience, bringing one face to face with one's own mortality. A starkness, a shameless focus. Is that what she is feeling?
Long ago, when we were standing outside Perry Urquhardt's residence, a shedite and Elizabeth Eason our dilemma of the moment, Jael grew angry over my treatment of Elizabeth. She told me that, "her free will is more important," meaning Elizabeth. Jael felt the risk of Elizabeth's death was insignificant compared to her retention of her free will. And I had removed it. I never forgot that comment, despite the events that followed immediately after our heated departure from each other's company. And I have not forgotten it today. I have tried to model my actions in accordance with my own views on the world and Jael's, an attempted blending that may have succeeded. I do not know. I tried to be creative.
I told Victoria Strassen, simply, that I would not harm her, nor would I allow her to come to harm at the hands of any others. However, I could not allow her to remain in hell's service. She could choose to become a Soldier of God, or she would remain there. I did not stay. I have left her in the care of Colonel Thenaire. (I am not entirely sanguine about that arrangement, but I could not think at the time. I was too anxious. I may see to more permanent arrangements later.) Which one will she choose? I do not know, but either way, the choice will be hers. It will be her free will, as much as I can allow it to be, given my oaths and my nature. Would Jael approve? Jael wants the War to be won. I think that she would, or at least appreciate that I am trying. If Victoria chooses God's light, I hope that I will be able to help her there myself. Curious that I, Malakite, have gathered so many refugees; Perry, Victoria, Cariel.
It is to this last one that I have now turned my attention. I traveled to the Far Marches to try and speak with Wayland. He claimed he owed me something, though I can fathom nothing that would render him in my debt. I did not find him. What I did find was an atrocity beyond my reckoning. Everywhere, the creatures of the Marches were being slaughtered. Angels as well. I did not stop to investigate, as I preferred to finish my current task first, but the memory of those spirits lost has resonated deeply within me.
When we were saddled with Eli's Tapestry, I swore my service to protecting it. The protection was long, and often arduous, beset on all sides by divisiveness and immaturity, exacerbating the hellish threat that developed. When we succeeded in releasing Cariel and her charges, I swore I would come if she needed me, that I would not allow harm to come to them, should I be able to prevent it. Now, not only harm is coming to them. Death is. I am not aware what is happening there, who is perpetrating these crimes and why (although I can suspect), but I must do something.
I will go to Michael now, and ask him to be reassigned. I suspect that he will not allow it, that my presence here, however onerous, fruitless and 'unworthy' it may be, is required for some reason beyond my current knowledge. I must ask, however. I do not wish Cariel to think that I have aided in her release, and the release of all that she values, only to abandon her when her time changes to danger. I pray that Michael will see the value of my request, and will realize the futility of my serving God in this venue. Here, I am nothing but I liability. When was the last time I even got to be a Malakite?
And if I turn my hand toward Cariel's protection there in the Marches, I know that Jael will come to find me when she can. Her Word is there, at least for now. I will care for her Word, while she cannot.