She is sleeping now, so I take a moment to catch up on the last few hours. Hours. It seems as though it has been days since last I wrote. This incorrect perception troubles me, but this whole situation is troublesome in the extreme. All of these events have been, and I know not where I will end up.
Jael is in Trauma.
No, I must be precise. I will start at the beginning, and write as I used to do.
We went to Colorado Springs to look into Perry's condition. His exposure to the Shedite still troubles me. It may have left some lasting effects, and if so, I wish to make certain that they do not escalate. I found him absent from his home, but soon located him in the residence of a neighbor. They were studying the Bible; a prayer group. Fascinating, and very nice to see in this age of aimless humanity. I resonated him and found that he was doing well, pulling himself closer to God and actively fighting whatever the Shedite may have left to corrupt him. I was pleased to see this. I knew that more checks would be required, but I was optimistic that they would be fruitful and, eventually, unnecessary.
Then, in returning toward Boulder, we encountered Arashiel's essence bank, Sean. And Victoria Strassen. I was certain that it could not be a coincidence that she was with him. Perhaps she would use him to reach us. Even if there were no purposes involving our group, her activities could be nothing other than detrimental to the young man. I requested that Jael follow him, as I was in my bird vessel at that moment, and we did so. Soon, they parted ways and Victoria was alone. She drove and made her way toward an apartment. I reverted to my human vessel and, before she could enter the apartment and escape, I knocked her unconscious with a blow to the neck. I placed her within the car and we returned to Boulder, the purpose of our drive now considerably different. Jael was silent and I understood her reticence, but I could not allow Sean to come to harm. Additionally, this was an opportunity for us to rid Hell of a servant and acquire necessary information at the same time.
I knew, however, that I would be on unfamiliar ground. My resonance showed that she could be a powerful tool in Hell's service. Or, she could leave that demonic fold and save herself in God's redemption. How to do this? How to help her achieve this goal? I am not the kind of angel that interrogates. I kill. I leave the information to others. And Redemption?
But this was going to fall upon me. Of our group, only Arabis would be willing to assist me. The others would actively oppose most everything I might choose, even if they did not say as much. How to get the information I needed and pull her from Hell's service without using pain or any other unsavory practice. I have always been against torture as a general rule. With my own recent experience, my beliefs on this have only grown stronger. I did not want to harm Victoria, exactly. I do not want to harm her, but under no circumstance could I allow her to remain in hell's service. I had to do something.
(What a difference from the old me, incidentally. On our first meeting, I did not pause in my efforts to kill her. Is this an improvement? I am supposed to be an instrument of God's wrath, sent down upon those who would taint his Word. What is happening to me?)
I called Giles and asked him to prepare a room where I could question her. Once we arrived, I took her in and began. I did not touch her. I merely talked, trying to get her to talk to me. She alternated between staring at nothing and closing her eyes. I knew she was not asleep. She would occasionally murmur to herself, perhaps a call for aid to some demon prince, but she did not respond. I said what I could but, as I said, such things are not my strong point.
There was much flitting around on the part of the other angels in my acquaintance. Probably many opinions, as I knew there would be, but I tried to keep them away from me, and myself on my purpose. Jael looked distinctly grim. At the time, I was mildly annoyed. What did she want me to do? Allow every human who has chosen to serve Hell waltz around doing evil, simply because they are human? Aren't we in a war here? Does she or does she not want to win? But I did not speak with her. I did not want an argument. She seemed to have other things to discuss anyway. As usual, Arashiel was making pronouncements.
Finally, after a brief break to think, I began another strategy. I just began talking. I told her of my past, my exploits, my views on hell and Heaven, angels and demons, people I have known, the ways of my kind . . . anything that came into my mind. I did not need to sleep. I merely talked, trying to show her something of myself. Perhaps she would open up to me once she had heard enough to convince her.
The next moment was one of annoyance, but also intrigue. How did he get my number? No matter. I received a call from Daspit, threatening me harm to my comrades or myself unless Victoria should be released. I did not say a word; I merely hung up.
Matt was aghast. "What are you willing to lose in order to keep this woman?" he asked, clearly showing his colors.
I informed him that I do not negotiate with Hell. End of discussion.
Personally, I believe it is good to have some absolutes.
There were problems abrew anyway. Giles was unhappy with my using his Tether in this fashion. In retrospect, I realized the mistake of my bringing Victoria there. I called Colonel Thenaire to inform him that I would be coming, that I would need space and maybe some access to Songs. I also informed him of the residence Victoria used. Perhaps he could investigate it.
Before I could depart with Victoria, however, there was a crash in the Symphony and Arashiel ran out of the Tether madly. I had seen that reaction before from Cherubim. Arashiel had just lost an attunement. I had a sick feeling I knew whom. Indeed, it was Jael. An explosive device had been secreted in the kiln at the Painted Pot. Upon using it, her vessel was killed, her celestial nature sent into Trauma. Feeling grim, I nevertheless knew that there was nothing I could do for her. She would leave Trauma when she left it. In the meantime, I had something to do. I made my way to Colorado Springs and the Tether to Michael that it offered. Arabis came along. Perhaps it was her hope to be helpful. We left. There was no time to think . . . I had something to do.
But as we drove, there was time aplenty. I certainly did not wish to speak with Arabis. Neither one of us makes idle conversation anyway. It was wrong of me to use Giles' Tether, but my other actions were in accordance with logic and God's righteousness. I could not allow Victoria to continue her activities, human or not. I had to do something. The options, should she choose to renounce her chance at redemption, were not favorable for Victoria's health, or Jael's sanction.
And I do care about her approval. I realized that as I drove, that I valued her estimation of my actions, even though she was not currently around to observe them. I knew that she would return, and in that event, I did not want her to be disappointed. I want to find the way that will accommodate both our ways; her gentle and compassionate nature, and my unyielding and purposeful one.
And, as God is my creator and witness, I was saddened by her death, even though I knew this illogical. It was merely a vessel. I had seen her in her true form, made love in that form, a pure kind of sharing that corporeal coupling can never approach. And yet, I felt a great, crushing sadness within me like I had never known. Never having experienced Trauma, I could only go by how I had heard it described. Jael was in an unpleasant place, contemplating her own mortality. And I was left alone, surrounded by hostility - some of it open and hateful, some of it veiled, divisive and misguided. And Jael herself; she has been so withdrawn, so fatalistic and sad. It is as if part of her had already died, overcome by the difficulty of recent events, and her vessel is now merely reflecting that. Almost as if she wanted to die for a while, to get away from us.
To get away from me.
What a horrible mate I must make for her, however temporary or permanent this may be. Pig-headed, asinine stubbornness incarnate. A creature of death and destruction, she of creation. Who was I to contemplate the possibility that associating with me would benefit her in any way?
I am sure that she did not allow herself to die. She has too many things that she values; her friends, her approaching Word, her Archangel and God's plan, in her own way. I know she cares for me as well.
Which is why I cannot allow her to return and find my actions anything less than . . . creative. Creative. I must try as best I can to bring Victoria away from her rapacious masters and toward the bright path that could await her in God's eyes. My resonance shows that it could be so. I must help her to get there. The choice will be hers, ultimately, but the guide could be me. In so doing, in creating a Soldier of Heaven, perhaps Jael will return to good news and the journey she has made will not have been so odious.
I suppose, in that way, Victoria could be said to be my hope for salvation as much as I am hers.
I abhor irony.